I’m sitting in bed reading my Kindle, minding my own business. There’s an annoying fly that has been buzzing around for the last half an hour, threatening to land on me every three seconds.
My husband eyes me as though I have a nervous twitch because I keep trying to swat it away from my side of the bed, towards him.
Of course, it flies straight up my nose and I make a great deal of fuss frantically blowing air through my nostrils and retching dramatically.
“I can’t believe you just double-barrelled in our bed” says my husband, unimpressed.
The fly never ‘resurfaced’.
I ate him. And he was a big one too.
This leads me to think about the really gross or weird stuff people eat by accident.
Like the time my ex-mother in law thought my disgusting ex-boyfriend was offering her a sweetie from the back seat of the car. It turned out to be a massive, wet and slimy bogey which she only realised AFTER she’d greedily gobbled it up.
For some reason, she used to revel in telling that story which makes me gag even more.
At Christmas, there was a story going around about a little girl who had accidentally eaten a few day’s worth of chocolate from an advent calendar meant for cats.
Her mother later reported: “I remember thinking they did look a funny shade of green and didn’t have a chocolatey smell”
I asked on Facebook and Twitter for people to tell me the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten by accident.
Here are the best five answers:
- “Not me but a friend. I was doing a friend’s nails during a rehearsal break and I had soaked and sloughed her cuticles. When finished I was just stood talking to some friends and one of them took the plastic cup and drank it thinking it was squash. His face was priceless and he gagged a lot. It was literally full of pumice and nail bits.” – Sarah
- “Candle wax. When I was at uni, a posh French restaurant did student nights and their dauphinoise potatoes were something to write poetry about. I was with the two girls I lived with and we split the last bit of dauphinoise three ways, only mine wasn’t potato.” – Emma
- “My mum had a piece of beef in a large bowl, maybe to thaw out, moved the beef to the fridge but left the bowl with the blood in it. I came down (aged about 14), saw the red liquid and thought it was jelly, dipped my finger and licked it, realised it was something gross! Asked my mum what it was and when she told me, I was horrified! Didn’t tell her what I’d done though.” – Flora
- “I dropped my chewy on the floor when I was little and picked it up and put it back in my mouth, it tasted sour. When I looked it had a dead ant stuck to it!” – Rachel
- “I guess the Mother-in-Law’s cooking doesn’t count?! We regularly play guess what meat it was originally and which of the 50 shades grey will the broccoli be.” – Crimson Tiger
Reading the replies from my own social media, my appetite for reading about the weird stuff people eat by accident grows. So I do an internet search and that didn’t disappoint either.
Here are 5 of the grimmest answers:
- “I ordered some Sea-Monkeys when I was a kid. The kit said to ‘aerate’ the tank once per day by blowing in a special straw that came with it. Naturally, I sucked instead of blowing and swallowed a mouthful of live brine shrimp” – Erica
- “I was hooking up with a guy and my septum ring slipped out and into the back of my throat, where I swallowed it. It felt like it was caught in my throat, but he wouldn’t take me to the hospital so my best friend took me. I couldn’t come up with a good lie and had to awkwardly explain how it happened to every nurse and doctor in the hospital.” – Chelsea
- “I once accidentally swallowed bone dust from a 2,000-year-old individual while analyzing an archaeological site in college. It was not appropriate.” – Cabbage Fangs
- “I was six and saw a can of pop in the cup holder in the car and assumed it was pop, so I took a big gulp. It was my dad’s tobacco spit from two days before.” – Lyndsey
- “We were partying at my parents’ house and the next morning I woke up with the hangover thirst from hell, so I went for a two-litre bottle of Sprite. Got a good way through chugging it before realising it was not Sprite, but pee. Nasty liquor-laden pee. On a dry, hungover, and queasy palette. Many years later, I still feel unclean.” – Rose
And the moral of the story here? Always look before you…eat.
Can you top any of these? Let us know in the comments below.